Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Three Simple Words.......

Three simple words brought me to tears.  I've been through so much pain in my life, how could I cry over three simple words? 

A coworker made her big announcement yesterday. She had told another coworker and I about it weeks ago, but wanted to wait until after visiting the doctor before she told the boss.  As I stood in the small office surrounding by a the other ladies I couldn't help but cry on the inside.  She waiting until the end of the day and we all tagged along.  She stood in front of the desk and handed her a sonogram picture. I might add that the office is made up of five women so we are all close, but only work friends.  Boss was happy, smiling like a proud grandma, so to speak.  I stood there and chatted and laughed along with the others, but I was dieing on the inside.  To make it worse the boss knew I was trying to get pregnant, but didn't have a clue that my coworker was.   So boss avoided eye contact with me the entire time.  Can you say awkward!!  All of this wasn't a surprise.  I knew she was trying to get pregnant.   Don't get me wrong I'm happy for her, but I'm heart broken.  I left the office smiling and trying hard to hide my pain.  Did all the normal end of the day routine and headed to my car.  I called my husband to say I was leaving work, he could hear something in my voice.  "Are you ok?"  Three simple words.  I couldn't even speak.  "are you ok?"  All I could say was "I had a bad day.  I'll see you at home."  I cried all the way home.  Got home, calmed down, stopped crying.  Husband walks through the door.  "Are you ok?"  Here we go again.  I spent the next few hours staring off into space and fighting back the tears.  Didn't eat dinner and went to bed early.  Got to bed and cried most of the night.  Don't worry my husband was right beside me the whole time.  As I rambled on about how it wasn't fair and that I was tired of trying. 
My vent went something like this........Why can everyone I know get pregnant, my sister, my sister in law, my husbands loser cousin, my doctor who referred me to the fertility specialist, at least 4 of my students (who, if I might add aren't married and already have other children they can't support).  What have I done so wrong in my life. Haven't I had enough pain.  WHY????   We've been trying since January 2009.  That's over 1.5 years.   20 visits from AF. 4 days a month crying about her arrival That’s at least 76+ days that she has ruined for me. Over a year and a half TTC. That’s 20 months. 600 days. 14400 hours. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every month I’m ready to abandon ship and say NO MORE!......along with more crying.
I cried myself to sleep.  Woke up this morning with a headache and puffy eyes. I'm at work now and just trying to avoid everyone at this point.  Sitting here writing this,  they all think I'm working on something very important and work related of course.  I'm trying to cry.  Hoping no one asks "Are you ok?"  grrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!

1 comment:

  1. Ugh, my heart is breaking for you. :( <3 Please know I am thinking of you and holding your heart close. Its so unfair that other's joy brings us so much pain.